Captain Beard

Captain Beard

Tank Guy

Tank Driver

The Minions are the primary force used by the F.D.U.K.

They are the personal army of Chrisrobbo and later Hano. They consist of many squads, each with their own assigned roles and leaders. They have little in the means of firepower but make up for this with sheer numbers, forcing any enemy into submission, in theory.

In reality they are useless, lazy dropouts that wear stylish blue hats.


  • Hunting Jason Statham
  • Killing Hano's enemies
  • Invading foreign lands
  • Capturing resources for new energy drinks
  • Protecting the secret recipe
  • Failing at all of the above

Notable MinionsEdit

Captain Beard: Appearing for a single episode, this gruff-voiced Captain led an assault against both the Main Group and the Red Boat Creatures atop a mountain. After throwing smoke grenades to blind the enemy Captain Beard found himself accidentally walking into the crossfire between the Main Group and the Red Boat Creatures, blinding himself. In his confusion, he led all of his troops off a cliff causing his own and his units deaths.

Tank Driver: The Tank Driver was a short-lived F.D.U.K. member who was best remembered for his psychotic shouting and unparalleled happiness on the battlefield. He was very at home laying waste to an entire village during a battle. He exploded with a smile on his face.


  • There were more episodes in DSI: Season 2&3 with at least one Minion death than there were with none.
  • The Tank Driver gave children around the world nightmares, leading to an uproar from the DSI Mothers Society.
  • A popular Vietnamese legend is that if you say 'The Tank Driver' six times in the mirror at night, he visits you in your dreams.